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Peaces Of Me++++
++++ The miles just keep rollin as the people leave there way to say hello I've heard this life is overrated but I hope that it gets better as we go |
January 31/01 This is amusing to me because since it happened to me when I was Stacy's age I figured this out real fast. Stacy phoned me when I was at Monica's basketball tournament. She said, "Guess who Jake is going out with?"- I knew the person it would bother her the most would be Kara. I had a girl who only went out with guys that were interested in me. WOW is she pissed. I told her not to be mad at Jake until she knows what is really going on because he is just part of Kara's game but if they had ever talked about Kara he would have known that that is a bad idea. I wonder if Jake did it on purpose? Jessie said that he really hated Stacy so maybe Jake does too. This sure is a move in weasel Darren's favour unfortunately. Wouldn't you know she was on the phone with Dezzie again today. It was really hard to pass her the phone. I hesitated when I looked at caller ID and at that point she looked at it too and just starred at me as if to say, "You weren't going to answer that were you?" I don't know, was I?? I am really admiring Nadia's commitment to her friends. She seems to see things in the eyes of an adult and is saving her friends a lot of pains in the regrets department. With Crystal, her everyday life chores seem to get the best of her. She is not attending school like she should and Nadia is trying to get her out of her blue funk. Crystal is sleeping her life away right now. Nadia is acting like her mother. With Natasha and Dianne she was concerned about birth control for both of them. She made Natasha make the phone call for the birth control pills even though they were using protection it wasn’t enough as far as Nadia was concerned. With Dianne, her mom found out she was on the pill and went to their family doctor and made sure he didn't give them to her any more- like that was going to make it so Dianne wouldn't have sex. While Nadia wasn't crazy about Dianne choices, she wanted her to be safe. Nadia asked me to drive Dianne to Mark's office, she arranged with Mark that he see her and Dianne got her birth control pills. Nadia had her friends over tonight and they did there own cooking, pizza, but it didn't really go over well. I guess practice makes perfect! Annie at 1/31/2001 04:15:00 p.m. April and Monica skated with the school. It was pretty good since we only have one pair of skates (BOYS) that their classes didn't go at the same time so they could share the skates. Stacy was talking about Jessie Black and said that he is going out with Gemma and he didn't even know her. It bothered her that he was saying that he might be going out with Jackie, or Leigh or Sarah and then it turned out to be Gemma. I don't think that she is too impressed with Gemma right now. Personally I think that the only reason Gemma even approached Jessie Black is because she knew that Stacy had liked him even though it didn't work out for them. It is hard to stop feeling about someone when you had liked them so much. Way to go Gemma, this is going to be great for you and Stacy. You didn't see much of Stacy when you used to go out with Kyle (again & again) when she disliked him so much- now see what it will be like when Stacy actually liked the guy. Nadia went to see the movie Sugar & Spice. I will never live this down, they keep looking at me and shaking their heads. We were in the Liquor Store, in line and I picked up a little bottle to look at the label. When I went to put it back, it caught in my sleeve and smashed to the ground. The kids and James say that I picked it up and whipped it on purpose to the ground in one motion. No one would help me, not one of my family, as far as they were concerned they disowned me in the store. The cashier just stared at me and they moved the line up behind me. They were not impressed. I guess you just can't trust me in a liquor store. Annie at 1/30/2001 04:11:00 p.m. To Joanie -Stacy and Jake got together - unfortunately didn't see much of each other around Christmas, had a spat over New Years and broke up, you know typical teenage problems but enough to bother her so that she couldn't sleep for about 10 days. I gave her sleeping pills and couldn't believe when they didn't work. She really felt for him. Other guys were around and the phone started ringing, especially this one guy –a younger guy who said he wanted to be her "friend" bullshit- I had no use for him cus I'm sure he started phoning the moment he knew they were going out. Before that we wouldn't let Stacy go out with guys for a couple of months. He'd phone constantly sometimes 5,6 times a day. I'd see her hang up on him, he'd phone right back. Meanwhile the rumours started again but she had no idea what exactly the rumours were and Stacy will always apologize for anything just to keep the peace, she has always been like that. I told her that some guys are out to make a name for themselves and that he probably would say things about her to impress the older guys. She didn't believe where the rumours were coming from and thought that people were feeding her old boyfriend rumours so that he would hate her. She never went out with him or anyone else - basically stayed home. I even would beg her to go out with her friends, which didn't happen much. She couldn't understand how guys could be so mean. It pulled Jake and her apart even more and the friendship was going. Both of the guys had a birthday on the same day and she only gave her old boyfriend Jake a gift. I thought that spoke volumes and everything would be all right but I think they started fighting cos Stacy started needing the sleeping pills again. I don't know, seems she is trying hard, I hope they can be friends. Nadia went out with a bunch of kids tonight. The only name I remember is Crystal. They were drinking except for Nadia, she kind of looked after them. This is exam week and most kids don't have any I think. Annie at 1/29/2001 04:08:00 p.m. OK something is wrong again. Why if they have made up did Stacy not sleep again last night? We are only using 1 computer right now so we basically have to stand in line waiting to use the one.- James office computer. I have also noticed that when she is upset with someone she will go on 'available for chat' otherwise she is always on invisible. I saw her on icq with creepo Darren for the first time last night. I think he is making his move on her right now. I also noticed her talking to Jessie Black last night, whom she hasn't talked to for like since October I think. I think that she is fighting or arguing with Jake or maybe his friends. I don't know, why are these other guys suddenly talking to her on ICQ, is it only because she is on 'Available for chat' and they didn't know that she was on before? Complicated when you are on the outside looking over the shoulder so to speak. Now that Darren jerk has asked Stacy to a movie. When I said that I would only drive to certain movie place he said he couldn't because that is where Jessie and his girlfriend were going and he didn't want to see them. I said that she isn't going to be hiding from anyone, there will be no sneaking around with my daughter. I told Stacy to invite him over here instead (to see if he would come to our house.) He said no- I didn't think he would. He just wants people to see her with him for bragging but not Jessie because he is obviously afraid of him. He tried to put Jessie down too by saying that he tells his girlfriend he is just staying home and then has friends over behind her back. Just more of his bullshit stories I guess. I told Stacy to remember Jessie the way he was with her and not to believe Darren's (petty) gossip- I didn't say petty gossip to Stacy even though I thought it. God I hate that kid. Why can't she see him for what he is? How has he made himself look so hard done by in Stacy's eyes? People are talking about Stacy but I think that it is him doing the talking not Jake and his friends but he is making my daughter think the opposite. Annie at 1/28/2001 04:05:00 a.m. icq messanger is messing up so I'm on James's business computer. The seven of us share one computer right now so it is pretty hard to have a turn on it. I lock the door and tell them all to go away. When they are all working we have five. Brent builds them from other peoples’ old parts and then we all got addicted to them. Pretty sad eh? Nadia is baby-sitting, Stacy is out with the girls and the rest are at home. Its strange our kids couldn't wait to go skiing the last couple of years when there was no snow. Now we have it and only Brent has gone twice and no one else. When I first started to go out with James he took me skiing. I forgot about that. It was a huge hill to start on Blue Mountain. I was so scarred and so mad that I broke up with him told him I never wanted to see him again. on the hill! His brother came to try to help me but I told him that we didn't have to be nice to each other anymore and to get lost. Nice eh? Monica has a project on the sphinx. She has to make a model with paper mache. What a mess. She painted it and now has to spray paint it with that stone junk. It is probably going to get everywhere. Today was Jake's birthday. Stacy dropped off a movie gift certificate and candy and they hugged. I hope all the anger is over with. She really wants to be his friend so bad. I went in James's office and she was crying. Apparently, his friend, Sean apologized for the way he thought of her. She still seems too agitated for everything to be all right. Annie at 1/27/2001 04:56:00 a.m. Nadia had her history exam today 8:30. Nadia had Derrick over but didn't go into any detail, she is being very private about it. As usual I don't see Brent putting any effort in studying for exams, he won't even tell me what exams he has. Adam, I guess, and the Doobie Brothers are driving him everywhere so I am not seeing a heck of a lot of him these days. I hope this is just a phase he is going through. We went to AAA hockey game last night with a lot of James's family, my nephew was playing. It was so rough that they had to call the game early, again. At one time there was 6 players from our town team in the penalty box. Of course I had to cheer for Paul but when our town scored I secretly cheered. Annie at 1/26/2001 04:41:00 a.m. The bartender from the Masonic temple phoned and we explained about James's dad having cancer and how we lost our deposit for the party. The guy phoned back the next day and said he talked to the guy in charge, who happens to be his brother and reminded him about losing their own father to cancer and reminding him how it would have felt if someone had taken their deposit under those circumstances and the guy changed his mind. It was all going to come out of our pocket because Jamesdidn’t want any of his brothers and sisters to worry about it and have his mom and dad find out. It is so weird how little I know of Brent right now. I was complaining that no one is using the ski passes that I bought, and then I find out that Brent has been at least twice this year but I didn’t know at the time. I know Adam doesn’t ski or do athletic things so he must be hanging out more with the Doobie Brothers a lot more than he used to. Nadia is being hard to talk to these days. I try to talk about her life, but she looks at me like I am prying and then turns the conversation to my other kids. I don’t want to talk to her about them, I want to share her life with her. Annie at 1/25/2001 04:36:00 a.m. That weasel Darren is playing head games and I don’t think it is just with Stacy. I took great pleasure in getting a phone call from him - and he asked for another girl named Lindsay, so I told him he had the wrong number. Stacy was right beside me and I told her it was Darren (check caller display if she wanted to) and I told her the girl’s name that he asked for. She said that he didn’t even like that girl so he wasn’t trying to go out with her or anything. I said if that is so, then why is he calling her if he told you that he doesn’t like her at all? And is he saying the same thing about you to her? (Please think about this Stacy.) I wanted her to see that when he says that he is “friends” with her it means just as much (bull) as when he says that he really dislikes the girl he was trying to phone- that he doesn’t have a sincere bone in his body. Annie at 1/24/2001 04:34:00 a.m. Stacy has spent so much time on the 90’s project, it will be interesting to see what she gets on it considering Nadia had the same project and the same teacher. Nadia got perfect. Stacy would use one room to cut and paste and when it got too cluttered she would change rooms. She really has done well. When she couldn’t understand something that happened, I would read it and try to make her understand which taught me some things. Nadia and Stacy went to see Finding Forrester tonight. They are starting to go out more as friends now. I guess that shows maturity. Stacy needs Nadia right now so I am glad Nadia has been there for her since the beginning of January. Jan 25-31 Exams for High School Annie at 1/23/2001 04:33:00 a.m. We went to Sears Warehouse in the west end and bought about 15 bathing suits for everybody. They ranged in price from $6.00 to $15.00 We got the orthodics for Stacy. They cost $350. I hope they help her knees even if it is only a little. She needs some relief from her sore knees. Stacy told me that Jake asked Brian Brie to beat up Darren for him – according to Brian Brie. I asked Stacy “Just how big is this Brian?” And she said that he is very small. Why would Jake get someone smaller than him to beat him up? That makes no sense at all. And why would this ‘friend’ of Jake’s even tell that to Stacy, what purpose does it serve, except to make Jake look bad? It sure is hard at this point to tell which ones of Jake friends are actually his friends looking after his best interests. Annie at 1/22/2001 04:32:00 p.m. We went to James’s parents where they played a tape about cancer and chemo and what to expect -symptoms and side effects. I wish I hadn’t of seen it, it brought back so many painful memories of my dad’s illness and death. My jaw was just aching during the tape and after I felt sick to my stomach. Why do we have to go through the same thing again? Why does he have to have the same cancer as my dad? I hope that science has progressed a lot in this field and that he doesn’t have to go through the agony my dad went through. I love James’s dad so much and I feel closer to him than I do most people. I know he feels the same way about me, he has told me and so has James’s mom, we just have a strong and great connection- always have. My day was filled with memories of my dad mixed in with James’s dad- all the good times- I have to remember the good times. Annie at 1/20/2001 04:28:00 a.m. Stacy has been very cool towards me for a while - now I know why. She was very angry with me a side of her he has never shown to anyone before. I guess I gave Jake too much rope - seems he told someone about our meeting and that someone told Stacy and teased her about it. (Gee I wonder who?) Oh yeah, she is real mad at Jake for telling people and me too. I really thought Jake had a chance until now - now there is no hope but maybe the friendship she wants will still happen. I am going to have to give her some space away from me. I enjoy walking the dome but I am going to stop so she can be alone with her running club. Even though people have told me the minute I am not there the guys are swarming her, she needs to be away from me. Hopefully I will regain her trust again because I never meant to put her in that position of not trusting me. I was trying to get her to trust more people but I blew it. Jake, why? I guess I gave a 16 year old too much of an older person's feelings because if he liked her as much as I thought, as an older teen he wouldn't have told anyone. I feel so bad about this. I'm not mad at Jake for this. He should watch out for some of his friends but Stacy said she wanted it to stop here so I can't say anything to him about that again. Besides, what is the point, he obviously doesn't like her the way I thought he did. Live and learn. I was trying to help Brent look one more time before his phone card expired and we were going over the places that we had checked. I asked him about the chesterfield and he said that he has looked there about 10 times. I sat down on the couch and put my hand as far down in the couch as I could and I pulled out Brent's phone right in front of him. It was great seeing the look on his face! Nadia is being very active around the house and looks so lively, the weight has been melting off her lately. The more it is off, the more she is walking around, it’s great! Nadia looks so fantastic and she has had to buy new clothes! Annie at 1/19/2001 04:27:00 p.m. This is how my life is for this term. It is only for a few months so I will probably only mention this week else it would be boring. These are only the practices- not the games or meets! I will not be doing any more hot dog lunches. I can’t handle the smell after and it puts me off them for weeks. Monday April basketball morning Monicabasketball-after school Nadia, Stacy, April, & Monicapitching clinic Stacy Volunteering at rec Tuesday April band-morning Monicabasketball-morning April basketball after school Stacy track 5-7 April and Monicaswimming Wednesday Monicawrestling morning April basketball-lunch Monicapitching clinic Monicabasketball-wildcat 7-8 April basketball-wildcat8-9 Thursday Monicabasketball-morning April band-morning Monicafolk dancing- lunch Stacy track 5-7 Friday April basketball morning April and Michelle-chess-lunch Monicawrestling-after school Saturday Stacy track Sunday Stacy Swimming Stacy working with weights Added to this 3x a week Stacy still has to go for Physio Took April and Monica in the evening to watch College Volleyball. This has turned out to be a tradition for out family. Annie at 1/17/2001 10:25:00 p.m.
Nadia gets to job shadow with The Hockey News Broatcast for the day. He picked her up at home and she spent the day with him. She was supposed to go to the Hockey game tonight to but they won’t allow her up in the press box. It is too bad because ref she interviewed is Reffing the game tonight so she might have got to talk to him too. He really wants to meet Nadia ever since she interviewed him on the phone. Nadia had a great time and was thrilled with being there- that is definitely what she wants to do with her life- to be wrapped up in the hockey world. She enjoyed the inside scoop and appreciated JamesBrophy for taking her into his confidence. Tie Domi gave her his stick and autographed it for her. He tried to set her up with a Leafs prospect. James went with Jeff to the cancer Dr. with mom and dad. It really doesn’t look too good but they are going to go ahead with chemo. I didn’t think they were going to do the chemo, because they have already said the cancer is terminal. I think dad is doing it for everyone else, - you know gambling that it just might work. Apparently it is a new kind just out on the market. God I hate to see this again. Chemo is a nightmare. It is just eating me up inside thinking of chemo and hoping that time has made it easier than when my dad had it. Stacy has been working very hard on her timeline for her history project of the 90’s. Annie at 1/17/2001 04:23:00 p.m.
Nadia just did a project on the 80's and she got perfect on it. She brought in the original Nintendo and let the guys play it while she did her presentation for 75 minutes. I can't remember the 80's cos I was knocked up the whole time! Stacy is doing a project on the 90's- a time capsule scrapbook. James, Marita, Dave and I went to the Sports Bar for some wings, beer and nacho's. Their menu is so limited now, like striped down to the basics. Marita was really quiet and when we got back to their place you could tell that her speech had disintegrated. It must be so scary when you don’t know what and why something like that is happening. I hope they figure it out soon for her sake. She went to bed early. We went to the store to get Stace good and expensive running shoes to be fitted her for orthodics. I hope it helps her poor knee. Food Fight! Everyday for about a week now the cafe has been the scene of full out food fights. All it takes is one person moving in a suspicious manner or a fake dive under a table and mayhem takes over. The teachers have now begun to suspend anyone they feel is involved. I know Brent's crowd is enjoying it and I believe they start a good portion. Brent was in trouble last year for throwing a carton of chocolate milk at a girl after she threw an orange at him, kind of over kill. He was banned from the cafe but after a few days he snuck back in. I hope he doesn't get caught this year. Annie at 1/17/2001 04:21:00 a.m. James bought me a new phone for my car with hands off features. He paid way too much for them considering what the kids got for each other at Christmas. The sticky tape won’t keep the phone attached to the car- James says it is because it is so cold. Stace keeps forgetting to use her phone and Brent misplaces his. Adam was in a car accident in the downtown. The Doobie Brothers and Adam were cruising around, they got separated and that is when Adam got in the accident. Brent was driving with the Doobie Brothers so he didn’t see the crash. He is spending a lot more time with the Doobie Brothers, which I like. Before it just seemed to be Brent and Adam and I want him to socialize more with a lot of people. Brent has mentioned that Adam does some anti social things every now and then, like lashing out and hitting anyone, even girls. I don’t know if Adam enjoys people thinking he has a dark side or he actually does. Derrick made a CD for Nadia with music that isn’t well known. She has been listening to it round the clock. This is no longer one sided he is responding to her. Annie at 1/15/2001 04:19:00 p.m. We bought a mirror with a gold frame for the kids bathroom. We also found a border with cheetahs and zebra’s –exactly what I wanted. Ever since some of my kids were Brooklin Cheetah’s we wanted to decorate something in that honour. Brent has misplaced his cell phone and his minutes are almost up so we are tearing the house up looking for it. If it goes past a certain date then the price per minute will be higher. Stace isn’t really using it, she doesn’t like phoning people so what is the point of having one? Nadia is the only one who has used it properly since they all bought it of each other for Christmas. James’s dad doesn’t seem to have any energy, they have put him on what they call nerve pills. He was lying on the couch and told the others he was just tired but when I said, “how are you really feeling?” He told me he had a lot of pain. I am glad he can confide in me. Annie at 1/14/2001 04:17:00 p.m. I am trying to stay up late with Brent if and when he comes home but because of the little sleep I have been getting with the Stace situation, I can’t hear him when he comes home half of the time and therefore we don’t get our midnight visits that have been the standard all these years. I really am missing Brent these days. Stacy and Amy went to see Save the Last Dance. Yeah, she actually went out! I am trying to encourage her to go out but she has been staying home and just studying. I was wrong in thinking that April would be jealous of Monica having a game boy too. Monica and April are playing happily side by side with their game boys. The neighborhood kids are dropping by with theirs, pick a spot to sprawl over my floor and furniture and join my kids in there silences. You could never guess how many kids are here today because they are all peacefully playing their own games. Annie at 1/13/2001 04:16:00 p.m. James and I went to Bell and bought 2 more of those bell phones. They were originally around $300. And we bought the kitchen one for $179 and now they are $89 so why not! I haven’t been seeing much of Brent lately. He has been getting rides with the Doobie Brothers after school these days and in the evenings but he doesn’t actually make it home till god knows when, I don’t. Brent says that they are good drivers. It is weird for me, I used to drive Brent and his friends almost everywhere and I never minded at all and I got to know a lot of them that way. I guess it is all part of growing up and letting go. OK, major anxiety has clouded any happy thoughts I might have had today. I mind is stuck in that letter I got the other day and it is making me feel awful the part where she says I hate you, think she’s a slut and a screw up, that hurt so much, those words associated with my daughter never even crossed my mind-ever. Why do kids think the worst of their parents? Or is it just me, lacking any knowledge of how to be there for my kids? Are they always judging me? Why would any of my kids think I don’t like who they are? They take one word used at a bad time and keep it as the way I feel. Even if I try to take back what I meant, it doesn’t matter. A slip of the tongue can be deadly for a parent. I think that I am darned if I do and darned if I don’t. I think my kids are so good, I feel lucky that I have had such a happy and easy time with them. I always thought that I would watch them grow up, watch them make the little mistakes that everyone seems to have to make and try to guide them by the big mistakes. There is a bright side to the letter, she came to me. Even thought the letter hurts, at least she reached out to me and asked for my help. She knows that she is not alone. Nadia has been issuing me little side comments too, that hurt lately. She doesn’t have to tell me she is annoyed with something I do, she speed talks at me, and oh yeah, I know I am being told off. I might not understand what she is saying with all the big words and the shear speed of them coming out of her mouth- she throws them out with major G forces that mesmerizes me. About mealtime and her going out, “If I care” attitude. Sometimes Nadia acts that I don’t care about her because I let her tell me where she wants to go. Am I supposed to always say, “Yes I have decided that I will allow you to go?” Why can’t she accept the fact that I know she is trust worthy and I trust her to do the right thing? I just need to know where she is going and I am happy. It is not that I have stopped caring about her. It is frustrating. She has been very dependable and I used to always know where she is. Nadia had words with Jen Layton once when they were going out to Haydenshore in the middle of the evening on a terribly cold night. Nadia told me where they were going and how long they would probably be and Jen didn’t think I should know. Yes I worried, but I knew where she was and I also was so thankful that I was probably the only parent that did. My kids have always known that I will not curfew them if they are with people I trust. Therefore I have always felt safe and they don’t get into trouble and we don’t go through the ropes like most parents do. It doesn’t mean that I don’t worry about them. I still can’t sleep until all are in for the night. For the last year Nadia has told me that she might be drinking at different parties and where she is and she never ends up doing the drinking. Instead she checks in and entertains us with what the crazy things her friends do, but she has been someone we can always trust and rely on. Not caring is the farthest thing from the truth. There was a long time where she sat at home with me, not of her own accord, but with nothing else to do. I honestly felt that she was enjoying my company and that she didn’t feel like ‘the loser’ she described in grade nine if she wasn’t out every night on the weekends. I didn’t feel like she was using me because she didn’t have anything else to do. I accepted it as a gift of having Nadia with me more than most teens allow their parents to be. I felt her loneliness at times and I encouraged her to make plans. Even if she was the only one of the girls to make plans, I wanted her to be happy. I didn’t care if I had to drive everyone around all the time. I wanted to make her life easier. I guess I just have to take things like this comment on the chin and come up smiling. Parenting is so hard. Annie at 1/12/2001 04:11:00 p.m. It's my baby’s 11th birthday today. We bought Monica a Game Boy Colour. Monica is going to love it but April will not because she won't be the only one to have one. We have run out of space to put our extra stuff like Xmas and Halloween because we are trying to make an exercise room. I have not even thought of a party for her yet. I feel bad but I feel that things are so crazy here it’s hard to find time. I have to be home for all my kids. Because of spares not feeling well High School too far away to walk, to awkward to take the bus it keeps me pretty house bound. Also James is in Ottawa this week so it has been crazy with driving. My long term memory is great. I'll probably be one of those little old ladies who holds people captive with the long memories but my short term memory, I won't remember who I’m talking to HA. Yeah James put us through Hell when he quit on nicoret. He would chew it so fast he had constant hiccups. I'm glad that’s over with. He kept promising me he'd quit if I got pregnant because he wanted a large family that was close together in age. I fell for it each time. He finally quit after April was born Anyway James phoned to say he be home from Ottawa around 3 so I have got to go do housework. I failed housekeeping 101 you know. I guess I spend too much time being with the kids instead of actually cleaning house but I love having fun with them and to me it is more important to have the fun with them than having a clean house. Annie at 1/11/2001 04:08:00 p.m. Stacy went to the specialist today about her knee. He seems to think she fits the profile of a “long legged athletic wobbly knee teenage girl” He only prescribed some painkillers. Oh my god, poor Stacy. Stacy gave me a note today like the ones I always write to her. As soon as I read it I thought of Jake’s car passing in front of me after school and everyone in it giving me or our van nasty looks from grimaces to sneers- now I know why. Her note said I know you told me this could happen, and I didn’t think it would, but it has… Jake found about Darren. He was walking by Amy and Leigh in the hall and he overheard them talking about it. Now everything is screwed up. Jessie said to me on icq: WOW, what you did was SOOOOOOOOO wrong… I can’t believe you…you of all People………. Liar….He liked you SOOOO much I’ve never seen him like this b4 in my life. And I knew him throughout elementary school as well I don’t think we can talk anymore….or be friends……..that was too wrong..there was only one person I disliked sooooo much and that was natasha..now there are 2ppl I dislike. I really don’t know what to do anymore, I didn’t want to get you involved because I didn’t want you to hate me anymore than you already do. I know you think I’m a screw-up and a slut. I can see it when you look at me. Also when you said, “I want the old Stacy back, the one I loved” I didn’t want to tell you about it because I didn’t know what to say either. I’d like you to help me now please, I’ve tried to fix it by myself but I don’t know what to do. If you don’t want to I understand. And please don’t tell daddy about this, I don’t want the two people I love most to BOTH think I’m a screw up. No wonder Stacy hasn’t been sleeping. All this pressure must be so hard on her. I wanted her to know ASAP that I think the world of her. I admire her and all this is a result of different guys trying to get her. Slut?- no on the contrary I can’t see her doing anything like that right now. I know she is strong in the sex department because knowing how much she liked Jessie, the fact that she held back with the sex, says a lot about her. She is just too shy and her expectations of love are very high. I know that it was on his mind, but---no, she was nowhere near ready, I could see the uneasiness on her face and my god she was only 14! She always has had high moral standards so why would sex be any different? I didn’t want any of this to happen to her and no matter how you try to prevent this, when you can see it coming it still hurts. The point is she apologized to Jessie when she didn’t do anything wrong so I asked her to make that right. She is not going out with anyone; I don’t think she can even handle that right now. At this point the fact that he is not talking to her may be in her favour. He has always tried to direct her and this is no different. I think he is a great guy but too strong willed for Stacy at this point in her life. You know Stacy could have gone out with anyone she wanted at this point- ten days has passed since Jake and her have broken up and Jordan was already pursuing someone else at this stage when he broke up with Stacy. What is the big deal? The part about me wanting the old Stacy back- well that was way back in October at the time she was acting hard done by, when I wouldn’t co-operate with her going out with Jessie Black. She was so ticked at me all the time back then, treated me like I was evil. I said it in anger and tried to correct it right away but she wouldn’t let it go. The main thing is she has to communicate to Jake who is hurting and probably has a dozen guys telling him how he should feel. She icqed him and tried to be as straightforward to him as possible. After all that, she said that Jake was going away to California and “I hope he has a really good time”. She wants to stay friends with him so bad. It will be hard after the reaction our van got from his friends. She says that they aren’t really talking on icq, just leaving messages but at least it is something? She really wants to be his friend again like it was before. I told her that I doubted that Jake overheard her friends talking, there is really nothing to talk about there, rather Darren is talking crap to people. She doesn’t believe that and says he is just her friend. Nadia went to the NHL game with Derrick, another Leafs vs. Tampa Bay Lightening. They seem to really enjoy going to the games where their favourite teams are playing against each other. Annie at 1/10/2001 04:57:00 p.m. April and Monica started swimming lessons today-level 10. I think April is a 9 and Monicashould be an 11 because of all the swimming she did this fall- she is so strong and it really shows. I am hoping April will try really hard to keep up since she is older. The swimming instructor, Derek Blacke recognized the Edwards name and told them how much they look like they’re older sisters. April sure got the dirty end of the stick today. She had made the basketball team and Melissa Grine didn’t. Melissa’s mother went to the school and bitched and complained saying that they were being biased because Melissa was moving. The coached backed down and put her on the team and made April the team manager. April had already made the team and Melissa was off in the first cut. April is so hurt. She knows that she is a much better player than Melissa. Melissa is awkward in any athletics and only ever gets noticed because of her height, but she is especially a poor basketball player. She plays as if she is in slow motion; painfully dragging out every movement, while everyone else is in real time. Anyone can just pluck the ball from her so it is like she working for the other team! I told April that I couldn’t go and do the same thing that her mother did because she already knows how the team feels about Melissa’s mother interfering. I told her that she is lucky that she plays anyway on the Wildcat league but I don’t think that it helped too much. It is a tough position to be in, my April. Annie at 1/09/2001 04:32:00 p.m. I am glad that I have always come to James’s parents a couple of times a week to visit in the morning and afternoons, it ahs been great that we live so close. Dad knows I am there for him because I always have been here for James’s parents. I love them so much. First day back to school. It was too busy to go back to swimming this morning, I know excuses, excuses but I don’t want to put any extra stuff on Stacy right now. James went on business to Ottawa, because he hasn’t been there for a while. Business should pick up now that the holidays are done. Brent and Adam came by and Adam’s car is pretty sharp looking. It is a red Sunfire, a couple years old but in real good condition and looks very sporty. He told me a long time ago that when he gets a car he is not going to wait for anybody for a ride after school. If they are there, then he’ll drive. He won’t be taken advantage of. It will be interesting to see what happens. He works at the bowling alley so I guess that is where the gas money will come from. Annie at 1/08/2001 04:30:00 p.m. I am decorating the kids bathroom in zebra and cheetah prints. I washed the walls and ceiling down with bleach because it is starting to show mildew- gross, but it is probably because of all the long showers that five kids have every morning. James’s dad is still trying to live his life normally even though he gets tired. He still has his beer with us and Mark says that he is glad he is doing so, trying to live like he has been. Annie at 1/07/2001 04:29:00 p.m. Stacy is still not sleeping and is walking around like a zombie. She doesn’t even look like herself. I have been giving her sleeping pills but they are not working. Sometimes she comes in at night after I have given her the pills and lays with me and I can feel her body shaking. I don’t know what else to do. I can’t double up the pills because they aren’t even prescribed for her- they are mine. I needed them for the last couple of months when I have been so worried about the boys after her I couldn’t eat or sleep. I have lost 30 pounds since September- 10 just this last week. I just am so afraid that what happened to me is going to happen to her. We have been spending as much time as we can with James’s dad, as usual his mom loves the company. Every now and then he gets too quiet, I don’t know if he is trying to get his energy back but I guess just being there is good for him. We have not really been eating well as a family, basically eat what you can find, James’s dad has us totally preoccupied. We have stuff like sandwiches, grilled cheese the kids like nachos and because I am Brent’s transportation to work I have been buying a lot of food from McDonald’s. I sure don’t feel like Susie Homemaker. The only one that seems to have a problem with it is Nadia but when we do have a sit down meal she often won’t join us so I don’t see why she even complains. When I her age I never even had the choice. (Oops, I promised I would never use that phrase-well at least it wasn’t to one of their faces.) I guess I am an easy target these days because I am not always having sit down meals. Why bother when no one is around? Annie at 1/06/2001 04:16:00 p.m. I went to the Dr for some sleeping pills, I am having so much trouble shutting down my brain at night, this is only the second time ever I have asked for them, the first time was in the past fall when I was so worried about everything. I only take them if I haven’t slept for a couple of days. I felt compelled to have a talk to Jake. I guess I am trying to run interference for them, whether it is right or wrong I had to give it a shot. I realize that this could come out all back at me but my daughter is headed for a whole whack of trouble and I am just trying to soften the blow, for Jay and for Stace. That Darren is talking about her and the rumours are going to circulate back to Jay, just as they are intended to. Jay’s friends are all involved in talking about Stace but I don’t know if they are all for Jake’s benefit or to sabotage his friendship with my daughter. I was going to tell him that his friends are interfering with him and Stacy. It started out all small talk and when I brought up the subject of friends I had to retreat and rethink my whole strategy. When he said that friends are the most important things in life I couldn’t do it to him. I wanted to say, “Jake, Jessie is being mean to Stacy to make her go out with you, Paul is telling her how “brutal” she is, Dezzie is trying to see her behind your back even though he has a girlfriend, someone is telling her how much you love her and that you plan to marry her (scared the hell out of her) and someone –one or more of your friends is telling her what a loser you are- that you used to never have any friends and teasing her about what you say about her” With friends like that, who needs enemies?” I know that some of them are trying in some strange way to help him, they mean well, but they obviously don’t know how to do that and they should have backed off through the whole time they were trying to get together. Meanwhile the little weasel Darren keeps phoning her. But friends are more important at this age and I guess my daughter is just going to get stomped on and there is nothing I can do about it. In the end friends are what will be important to Jake, not this one girl that he really liked for this moment in time. So I didn’t tell him about what his friends are doing or what the Weasel is up to. I mentioned that some guys were phoning her but I didn’t mention any names. What a mess. I just told him that he had to trust his own feelings and not everyone else’s. Stacy wants to be friends with him and that is what should be important to the both of them and everyone else should mind their own business. This whole thing is confusing the heck out of her. I mentioned to Jake many times not to tell anyone about this because if Stacy found out she would feel betrayed by the 2 people she trusts. Stacy seems to think that Jake told everyone all about there relationship so we will see- I think that he just told his close friends and some of them have the big mouths. Apparently he forwarded things she said, to his friends and accidentally forwarded it back to her. She even asked one of his friends if Jake was doing that and he said that Jake was forwarding her messages to him. I am routing for Jake here and took a gamble that he really does like her enough to keep this to himself. Nadia was going to Yuk Yuk’s with her friends, Derrick and she took Stacy too. You’re supposed to be 16 but Stacy managed to look the part but I hope it makes her feel better. It was really nice of Nadia to include her. I am glad Derrickis doing more things with Nadia, slowly but surely! Annie at 1/05/2001 04:12:00 p.m. I haven’t been waking up my family for swimming in the mornings this week. Stacy isn’t sleeping well and needs to take it easy. I am so sick of that kid Darren phoning Stace. She says that they are just friends, but I don’t trust him AT ALL. Like I told her just after Christmas, I think he wants more and that he is only trying to get a reputation for himself by going through her. I wish she would trust me on this. Jame’s dad seems to be low on energy so I guess the cancer is starting to spread. To have your health one month and deteriorating the next month leads me to believe that a lot of what he is feeling is anxiety. Who can blame him? Going from a normal check up to the doctor saying, “You’re going to die” would make anyone feel sick. They are giving him what they refer to as nerve pills so hopefully it is not the cancer. Maybe they are all wrong and this is a mistake. I have come over quite a bit and found him lying on the living room chesterfield. I sit there and if I think he is awake I will ask him some questions about how he is feeling, his tiredness or aches and pains, his worries etc. He seems to be very candid with me, even when other people ask, he says everything is all right but with me, he tells me when he is hurting or nervous, tired or worried. I am glad that I always had this closeness with him. I just hate that he has to go through this- I hate that we can’t do anything to help him. Annie at 1/04/2001 04:06:00 p.m. Stacy was fitted for orthodicts today. The Dr. adjusted her, and told her that if she stopped cracking her neck and fingers, then she wouldn’t need to. I hope the orthodicts help her knee. This is like a last ditch effort, I don’t know what else to do except have her knee operated on but I would rather try this first even though it is very expensive Jessie got really mad at Stacy for breaking up with Jake, called her a bitch and said that he was with Jake everyday. If that is the case Jake couldn’t be at all those tournaments he said. I was with her when she phoned Jake’s house again and again. His whole family was out so he must have been at the tournaments. I think that Jordan is trying to intimidate Stace into changing her resolve. From his own history with Stace he should have figured out by now that no one can force her into changing her mind. He isn’t doing Jake any favours by treating her this way. She is upset enough without Jordan interfering. It is strange that it was her that broke it off but she is really having trouble sleeping- she really feels for Jake and doesn’t want to loose him as a friend. Nadia talked to Derrick on the phone today for almost 40 min and had a 20-minute conversation the other day. She is so high when things go well with him and so disappointed when they don’t. I am not encouraging Nadia with this at all because I can’t see it going anywhere, Derrick seems to be digging in his heels when things are looking good. Brent told me that Adam’s parents have mentioned a number of times that Brent could always live at there house. I hate that they have given him that option. It makes me feel that I have to treat Brent with kid gloves sometimes for fear that he will take them up on it. Annie at 1/02/2001 04:04:00 p.m. New Years Resolutions I know, I know, everyone says this but I am going to try to exercise to maintain my weight, I don’t want to weigh more or less. I haven’t got any aches or pains now and I know it is because I exercised so much with walking the track and swimming. I am going to try to fix up all the rooms in our house hopefully one by one. Stacy broke up with Jake today. She did it on ICQ messenger and since that is basically how their relationship lived I guess it was the way to do it. The whole week between Christmas and New Years they didn’t see each other. Trace immersed herself in an assignment and Jay was at hockey tournaments. I don’t think they went out too much when it was official, once I think since the NHL game. I went with her to see one of his hockey games, where I met his mom- but that was it. He would phone once a day, while that Darren creep would phone 5 to 6 times a day. Seems Darren was busy undermining him, told her that he had tournaments too like Jake but he managed to find time to phone her. She left her plans open for New Years to be with Jake, but because of some misunderstanding on the wording of something it fell through. I wonder if he ever asked her over to his house? I know that they were here in our basement only once, the night of the semi but I don’t think it was for very long. To bad, from things I heard about him, he seemed nice. She is very upset about making Jake sad. I know she likes him as a person but she wants it to be like it was before when he was her friend. I don’t think she wants any relationship with a guy right now, she is getting too much attention and she doesn’t want it and doesn’t know what to do about it. Annie at 1/01/2001 12:56:00 p.m.
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